Career and Family

I love practicing law.

I love the first five or ten minutes of the day when I am alone in my office with a cup of coffee. It's quiet. There aren't any children asking questions or any babies tugging at my legs. No one is crying.

I love being around other adults and having adult conversations.

I love losing myself in whatever is piled on my desk--documents, research, drafting.

I love argument and debate, and I love going to court. I had forgotten how much I love court until last Monday, when I had a trial for a case that I am a Guardian ad litem on. I miss it. I miss it so much that I have spent the last week pondering whether I should return to work full-time.

For the past year I have had what I consider a dream job for a mother. I work part-time. I can work from home. I have an office downtown, and whenever I have daycare that is where I go. I like the guy I work for, and I like the work I do.

It has its drawbacks, however. For starters, I am not the decision-maker. I am not advising clients, and I am not making decisions about how to build a case. The decisions are made by the guy I work for; if I see an issue, I bring it to his attention and let him decide. Sometimes I tell him what I think and sometimes I don't. They are his cases, after all.

I don't go to court. I don't even attend depositions. The work I do is largely low-level associate work, or even glorified paralegal work. For someone who is used to managing my own caseload and handling all aspects of the cases, this is in some ways a step back.

But there are so many upsides. I have little to no stress with this job. I have flexible hours, and it's part-time. It gives me plenty of time with baby Laila. I keep telling myself that the practice of law will be around in five, ten, or even twenty years, but that baby Laila will not. I am trying to be patient, but at times I am anxious to return to work.

And then I remember what it was like to be a working mom. I remember rushing out of the office every day at 5:00 with a pile of unfinished work on my desk, most of it overdue, so that I could get to daycare before they closed. I remember returning to work some evenings with Connor, who was a toddler at the time, and trying desperately to get some work done while entertaining him so that he wouldn't disturb the other attorneys. I remember the stress I carried with me everywhere I went, even on the weekends when I was doing things with my family. I remember the sadness I felt when Lee and I discussed hiring someone to pick Connor up from daycare so that I could work later. I see how quickly they grow up, and I don't want to miss their childhood.

I don't know what the answer is. Should I return to work? Should I stay  home? Usually when I don't know what to do, I continue status quo until I figure it out. But things are changing. Things are changing where I work; my job is changing. The changes aren't bad. But they're changes. And there have been hints of other possibilities in the past week as well.

I am both excited and nervous about these changes. Perhaps becuase I still don't know what I want. My entire legal career is marked by an attempt to balance career with family and I have yet to do it successfully. Perhaps someday I will figure it out. But like all things, it will probably change as soon as I do.