Reflections

It's December 15th. 1:00 a.m. We are in the middle of the Christmas season, and in just a few short weeks Laila will turn one. I tuck her in for the second time tonight and wonder when she will wake again, and when she will finally start sleeping through the night.

I don't know where the time has gone. These past few months have marched by in a blur. Once October hits, the year seems to dissolve away into nothing. I grab at the moments and cling tightly, wishing I could freeze time.

And yet already I am looking ahead. Planning next spring's garden, next year's anniverssary trip (so much depends upon a Christmas bonus...), next summer's family vacation. Daydreaming about the master bedroom remodel I have patiently waited for. Wondering what next year will bring. Worrying that we may never pay off this credit card debt.

I sift through photos of the past year and try to select the best. They all bring a smile to my face. Like every mother, I am touched by every smile, every gesture, and every angle of my children. I am amazed by how much I have already forgotten. I used to have a stellar memory, but I am having trouble remembering what I consider the best years of my life. I suppose sleep deprivation will do that.

I give Laila one last kiss. I cannot believe how big she is. In a few months she will be walking, and she has already begun communicating by making hand gestures and shaking her head. My baby is turning into a toddler. It breaks my heart that she will be my last. If it were up to me, I'd have two more.

I say a prayer for the two I have, for the husband I have, for the life I have. At times it may be bumpy and imperfect, but it is the life I always dreamed of.